On Waiting

Yesterday I went snorkeling. While in the water, I tried to think.  I remembered when I was younger and used to swim laps everyday.  The boring-ness of lap repetition and the mesh of lines at the bottom of the pool would allow me to resort to more organized and constructive thinking – so I tried it again this time.  in my mind I played around with how I wanted my life to look like when I go back to California in 3 weeks.  I didn’t come up with much.  Really, all I want is:

• -          A job
• -          Comfort
• -          Consistency
• -          Structure

This probably makes me sound like a completely uptight and brash individual, but it is my way of getting things done.  It is really hard for me to do things unless I find a purpose for it.  It is even harder for me to just sit down and relax if I feel unaccomplished or as if I’m wasting time.  Even this blog post is hard to write because I feel like my time could be better spent job searching or whatnot.  J is studying for rotations tomorrow though so I figured I could let my mind be creative for awhile.

I feel like I’m going to be that one person who never really has things figured out…who never really knows who she is or what she wants to become. 

Coincidentally, I also feel like I’m always waiting.  I’m always waiting for something better, for J to come back, for J to finish school, to find a better job, to get inspired to write something, to feel healthier, to meet a new wonderful friend.  I’m always waiting for things that I have no control over, and it makes me all the more anxious.

Also, I still have no idea what my last meal would be.  I’m still waiting for my taste buds to get back to me.

My taste buds did enjoy this fresh coconut water, though.