On Waiting

Yesterday I went snorkeling. While in the water, I tried to think.  I remembered when I was younger and used to swim laps everyday.  The boring-ness of lap repetition and the mesh of lines at the bottom of the pool would allow me to resort to more organized and constructive thinking – so I tried it again this time.  in my mind I played around with how I wanted my life to look like when I go back to California in 3 weeks.  I didn’t come up with much.  Really, all I want is:

• -          A job
• -          Comfort
• -          Consistency
• -          Structure

This probably makes me sound like a completely uptight and brash individual, but it is my way of getting things done.  It is really hard for me to do things unless I find a purpose for it.  It is even harder for me to just sit down and relax if I feel unaccomplished or as if I’m wasting time.  Even this blog post is hard to write because I feel like my time could be better spent job searching or whatnot.  J is studying for rotations tomorrow though so I figured I could let my mind be creative for awhile.

I feel like I’m going to be that one person who never really has things figured out…who never really knows who she is or what she wants to become. 

Coincidentally, I also feel like I’m always waiting.  I’m always waiting for something better, for J to come back, for J to finish school, to find a better job, to get inspired to write something, to feel healthier, to meet a new wonderful friend.  I’m always waiting for things that I have no control over, and it makes me all the more anxious.

Also, I still have no idea what my last meal would be.  I’m still waiting for my taste buds to get back to me.

My taste buds did enjoy this fresh coconut water, though.

That Thing Called Change

It’s already July and I cannot believe I’ve been here 1 month already.  Of course, time always passes quickly when you don’t want it to.  I’ve learned a multitude of things, a lot of which I doubt I can articulate into words, as they are only feelings or extensions of preconceptions or emotions that I’ve harbored myself for awhile now.  In addition to learning more about myself, I’ve also learned more about others.

 

So what is noteworthy?  Probably the things that aren’t directly related to me, such as change.  I realized that there are so many things that I cannot control in life, and that is a huge issue for me.  I love to have control over what happens with me, in terms of my future and the present.  Of course because I’m so focused on the future I lose myself in the present and am hardly aware that it is even there.

My job for instance.  There was nothing I could have done to control what happened (except maybe not have majored in literary arts).  Other than that, nothing.  Change happens when you least expect it.  Sometimes it is wonderful and sometimes it is not.  I don’t think I’ll ever be fully comfortable with change, I just need to take the steps and measures to respond appropriately and not completely lose myself in circumstance.

There is more change coming.  More change when I move back: without a job, not too much direction, and back with my parents.  A lot of people say that the idea of change stems from how you look at it.  Look at it in a positive light and it will be bright. 

So can I do that?  Let’s try.

These papaya will change ^^…very quickly actually.  I give them a day.  Luckily they were only $1 for 5!

I Sat

I sat in Starbucks for awhile today. Since I'm in Hawaii I go here everyday rather than staying at home to try to get some work done while J is doing his rotations.  I am so used to having articles and projects to work on all day that the time flies by faster than I can imagine.

Do you know how slow the clock ticks sometimes?  It is so, so incredibly slow. Sometimes I wonder if time is playing a trick on me or if the second hand might be malfunctioning.  No, it really is that slow.

I book marked a number of jobs to apply to last night.  I don't know if it's completely useless since I won't be back in LA until the beginning of August...but, I felt like I needed to do something, anything productive and that was a good start. 

Not The Best Day

It wasn't the best of days.
It probably could have been worse.

So, let's back up a few months.  Back in March my Accounting position at work was getting phased out.  I had a new manager in tow and I could tell we wouldn't be seeing eye to eye on things. Quite frankly, I felt like he didn't want to manage anyone and have the Accounting position for himself (which I was mostly in charge of).  So what did he do?  He found errors, possibly made some himself with the system that I was using, and wrote me up.

That whole process took a toll on me, my health, and I ended up crying in the bathroom at the office more times that I would like to admit (and, unfortunately, once in front of my co-worker).  I also lost about 5 lbs, give or take.

I knew I was getting phased out, so I plowed through my contacts and after a few weeks, as luck would have it, one of my friend's friends was looking for some blog writers for a start-up in SF.  I crossed my fingers and submitted my application.  A few weeks later, they brought me on board as a contract writer.

I couldn't have been happier.

For the next few months I wrote day and night, 24/7 (seriously, up until 3 am most days) -- picking up as many articles as I could, researching, and publishing.  It was all I ever wanted to do (write), and I was doing it fast.  I had a schedule, a structure, and I was running strong.

In the midst of all this I decided to make the move to Hawaii for 2 months with my boyfriend, J, who was out there doing rotations.  It was perfect timing -- I could have an income, be with him finally (after 3.75 years), and write my heart out.

It all seemed too perfect.  And then it was, today, when I got the call that the freelance project had been terminated.  Effective: immediately.