The Final Days

We’ve hit our final weekend mark and I’m already thinking about all the things I’m going to miss about this place. I feel like that I’ve learned that, generally, people will always want to be where they are not. Human beings tend to want what they do not have, and the grass always seems greener on the other side. What does this say about our capability to be happy…to feel satisfied…or to make decisions based on what we think we want and not what we need? Maybe, though, this is just a simple case of wanderlust? I’ve never really used that word before. After some research, on the topic of wanderlust-ing, I believe it to be more of a simple desire and need to see the world rather than never feeling satisfied in a current condition.

Are people who always strive for more more like animals then? Do they graze through life picking at grass here and there, only to migrate their way onto another field or into another location where the grass is greener?

Maybe I was meant to be a cow. Cows are rather large though, so maybe a hedgehog or a field mouse would be more like it.

On Time

I can’t believe I have about a week left here on the big island. I have a lot to say but I don’t know how to say it, or write it – whichever. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put this experience in words. I might need a few months or weeks of reflection, who knows. I tend to be someone who either word vomits or says nothing at all.

Right now I’m just concerned about how I will transition back into my life in California.

Time will tell. Time tells everything—mostly.

On Serving

I have been cooking a lot since I’ve been in Hawaii since I volunteered to make Jim breakfast, lunch, and dinner since he is at work during the day and does not come back until dinner time. Through this, I have realized how much satisfaction and comfort it gives me to serve someone else.  Is this normal?  I feel like I’ve grown up in a generation where girls are supposed to learn how to “be independent”, “get out of the kitchen”, “stop making sandwiches”, or “focus on a career”.

I am by no means saying that being able to cater to someone else takes precedence to focusing on yourself and your own needs – but there is something so fulfilling about feeling needed by another person and being able to “feed” them sotospeak.

I don’t know if this is a phase that I am going through, or if it is a crying panic because I am entering my late 20s.  Whatever it is, it is something new to deal with and a feeling I’ve never really experienced before.

banana bread

avocado

strawberry mochi, which I clearly did not make but I felt should be included.

On Waiting

Yesterday I went snorkeling. While in the water, I tried to think.  I remembered when I was younger and used to swim laps everyday.  The boring-ness of lap repetition and the mesh of lines at the bottom of the pool would allow me to resort to more organized and constructive thinking – so I tried it again this time.  in my mind I played around with how I wanted my life to look like when I go back to California in 3 weeks.  I didn’t come up with much.  Really, all I want is:

• -          A job
• -          Comfort
• -          Consistency
• -          Structure

This probably makes me sound like a completely uptight and brash individual, but it is my way of getting things done.  It is really hard for me to do things unless I find a purpose for it.  It is even harder for me to just sit down and relax if I feel unaccomplished or as if I’m wasting time.  Even this blog post is hard to write because I feel like my time could be better spent job searching or whatnot.  J is studying for rotations tomorrow though so I figured I could let my mind be creative for awhile.

I feel like I’m going to be that one person who never really has things figured out…who never really knows who she is or what she wants to become. 

Coincidentally, I also feel like I’m always waiting.  I’m always waiting for something better, for J to come back, for J to finish school, to find a better job, to get inspired to write something, to feel healthier, to meet a new wonderful friend.  I’m always waiting for things that I have no control over, and it makes me all the more anxious.

Also, I still have no idea what my last meal would be.  I’m still waiting for my taste buds to get back to me.

My taste buds did enjoy this fresh coconut water, though.

My Opinion

I’m not too sure what I like.  The topic of "like" came up when a friend asked me what  my last meal would be if I had to choose.  We were browsing through this buzzfeedarticle about last meals and found them all rather boring.  However, when I tried to think of my own I could not do much better.

Then I started thinking about my opinion on things: I don’t really have a strong one.  When I was younger I used to have strong opinions about what I liked. 

•      I wanted to be a writer
•           I loved swimming
•           I loved reading
•           I loved hamsters
•      My favorite foods were my mom’s macaroni and cheese or wonton noodle soup with my dad

I don’t know what happened, but as I started getting older I started having less and less of an opinion or my own voice.

That’s it – I lost my voice.  I don’t know if it had to do with my relationship with my dad going downhill or the fact that I was sick for quite a long time, but I forgot who I was.  And with my personality, my individuality, and my simply being went my voice.

This is a topic I can dwell on heavily, and there is much more to it than simply having an opinion about a last meal.  I need to figure out again how I want to define myself.  I need to try to understand what it means to have an opinion, to have strong likes and dislikes, and to have a voice that I am proud of. 

I still don’t know what my last meal will be, but I plan on having an opinion on that by the end of this week.  

For now – what would yours be?

That Thing Called Change

It’s already July and I cannot believe I’ve been here 1 month already.  Of course, time always passes quickly when you don’t want it to.  I’ve learned a multitude of things, a lot of which I doubt I can articulate into words, as they are only feelings or extensions of preconceptions or emotions that I’ve harbored myself for awhile now.  In addition to learning more about myself, I’ve also learned more about others.

 

So what is noteworthy?  Probably the things that aren’t directly related to me, such as change.  I realized that there are so many things that I cannot control in life, and that is a huge issue for me.  I love to have control over what happens with me, in terms of my future and the present.  Of course because I’m so focused on the future I lose myself in the present and am hardly aware that it is even there.

My job for instance.  There was nothing I could have done to control what happened (except maybe not have majored in literary arts).  Other than that, nothing.  Change happens when you least expect it.  Sometimes it is wonderful and sometimes it is not.  I don’t think I’ll ever be fully comfortable with change, I just need to take the steps and measures to respond appropriately and not completely lose myself in circumstance.

There is more change coming.  More change when I move back: without a job, not too much direction, and back with my parents.  A lot of people say that the idea of change stems from how you look at it.  Look at it in a positive light and it will be bright. 

So can I do that?  Let’s try.

These papaya will change ^^…very quickly actually.  I give them a day.  Luckily they were only $1 for 5!

Something To Be Said

There is something to be said about living somewhere vs. actually vacationing at a place.  I am not try to discount the beauty or appeal of a place, but it is much different to live in Hawaii than to vacation here.

Let’s take a look at some of the statistics (in my un-professional opinion, at least):

Cons:

- It rains here everyday.  And that’s not an exaggeration.  Going from California to where we were in a serious drought to Hawaii where wetness is a daily occurrence has been strange.  At first it was comforting, then it turned depressing, and now I’m getting more used to it.

- Things are expensive.  Like, ridiculously.  I don’t know how people support themselves over here without food stamps unless they are a professional of some sort.  Milk is almost $8 a gallon, applies are at least $2 a piece, and cereal is almost $7 a box.  Really?….really….?

- I miss Dewey.

Pros:

- I get to see J everyday, even if it’s just for a few hours in the evening. 4 years of long distance has been 3.89 years too long.

- The pace of life is extremely slow here.  That is great because I have horrible anxiety and I’m always rushing around in my head.  It’s crazy in there, don’t try to get in.

- Independence.  Who in their 20′s doesn't want this?

- Hawaiian culture.  Something I've never before been exposed to, so everything around me is new and interesting.

It looks like the good outweighs the bad, and I’m not complaining.

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